At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
