Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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