the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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