Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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