I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
