PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
