so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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