I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ugly people sure do ruin things
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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