meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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