she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
