What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
