Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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