i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
