He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
