1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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