i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
