There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
