need another drink. this is the easiest way
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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