Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
