Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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