I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
