hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
