We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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