A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
