so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
