I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
