An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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