I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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