I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
me + whiskey = a bad person
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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