I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
