chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
