Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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