Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
