dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
