Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
