Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
