afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sorry about my life...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
