Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
