fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
