my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
