I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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