the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
