I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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