Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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