I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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