When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
