Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
