if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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