yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
