bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
