I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
