I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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