Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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