Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
