She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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