My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
