i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
