So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
