I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
