Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
