She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
