I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
