I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
